I guess it is probably a bit of both. But for whatever reason, I seem to have fallen off the little pink cloud I have been riding lately. Strangely, I just now looked down and noticed that I’m not wearing any of my mala bead bracelets today, forgot to put them on this morning. I don’t necessarily think that could have anything to do with it – could it? I’m also wearing a different pendant, my rose quartz crystal, instead of the Abracadabra one I have been wearing. Again, not sure if that really has anything to do with it. But, they are some differences from my “normal state.”
On the way to work, I found myself questioning whether or not there is anything to all this stuff I am thinking, or if it’s just silliness. I thought back in the day that things were going somewhere, and figured that my excursion into addiction pretty much took them off the rail. I guess at some level I thought that if I hadn’t gotten so wrapped up in my addiction, I might actually have “made it” as a – well, I’m not sure what… guru? Spiritual leader? Author? Writer? Poet? Something. And perhaps I have been thinking that, with the return of some true synchronicity and magick, and me being sober now for some time, things might actually work out differently – I might actually make it to the next level, and achieve my dream.
But then what if it wasn’t the drugs that derailed the dream necessarily? What if it’s just not meant to be, not my true destiny? What if God’s will is that I am just the software developer I am? I mean, it is entirely possible. I thought of a cool analogy, using Michael Jordan – my favorite personality to reference for analogies. It’s rather like thinking that I want to be the next Michael Jordan, but in addition to training, I got caught up in drugs, so I was not able to achieve my dreams of making the NBA. If I happened to get sober years later, and started training again, chances are I would still not make the NBA – even though I had gotten sober. Could the situation with the writing be analogous to that? I mean, it could be.
And because I am not sure at this point, I have prayed for both assistance and direction. I’ve reached out to a few people about some information, and have yet to hear back. I have this blog out there, I have Magickmeme.com and have been flushing it out. But I’m not sure where to go from here. I’ve been seeing these little advertisements for “Writers work” on Facebook – some freelance writing site that has me curious. Seems like a bit of work to get it started though. I say that like it’s a bad thing. Honestly, I’m afraid of trying it, spending money on it, then it not working out. Perhaps I need to get over that fear and look more closely into it. Everyone always tells me I’m a good writer. I guess I’m afraid of not making it.
Not sure what else to say… guess I will wait to see if the Universe has an (unambiguous) answer for me today.