The Doldrums

That term seems to capture the way I am feeling about all this “magick,” metaphysical, writing stuff right now. I can actually visualize it – me, sitting in a little boat on a sea that is completely calm – glass smooth. There are no winds pushing me one way or another, no waves creating motion, just stillness, and an uncomfortable feeling that I really should be moving towards something or somewhere. And to be fair, there have been little “breezes” that have come through – like finding out recently that a person I worked with who retired last week shares a lot of the same thoughts and ideas I do about this stuff. That’s been pretty awesome, and I probably shouldn’t be under-appreciative.

I guess I am just impatient about all of this. No, I know I am. I first tried to publish something way back in ’90, and had quite a run as a mystic/guru of sorts in the mid to late 90’s. Then there was a long period during which not much happened after getting sober in 2003 – at least not much in the way of powerful metaphysical experiences. There was the exception of watching the movie “What the Bleep Do We Know?” and the dive into quantum physics it started, which continues to this day. That did open up some new thoughts to me, and I ended up getting quite the self-education in quantum physics – which in turn has led me back to metaphysics. And I was thinking this morning how crazy it seems that most of the truly “wow” moments I experience are when I’m reading articles on the latest advances in quantum physics, not necessarily spiritual or metaphysical stuff. How paradoxical that the system of thought that was responsible for the gross, seemingly unassailable materialist views that have ruled the last century’s scientific views is now having to grapple with the thought – the reality – that materialism is failing them; it is no longer capable, at least in its current form, of explaining the how and why of everything that happens in our universe. And I (and I assume many other spiritual seekers – especially those who are scientifically-minded themselves) am rejoicing!

Now, I am just trying to figure out a way to “get in on it” if you will. I have so many ideas about many different things, things I would so like to try regarding NI and spirituality; thoughts I would like to gather, consolidate and capture in the form of a book; ideas I would like to implement regarding putting together some kind of group of like-minded people (see OSM on Magickmeme.com). Of course I tell myself I just don’t have the time or money, and keep praying for some kind of financial windfall or miracle. But the honest truth is, I do have the time – at least I could make the time. I just choose not to. I choose to not take time away from my wife or other areas of my life to write and do other things. I so admire those people who achieved success by working a regular job, then spending a lot of other time working on something, making personal sacrifices, burning the candle at both ends. I believe that if I were willing to do that, I would probably have a much better chance at making it. And I certainly can’t blame anyone – not God, not the Universe, not “the man” – for me not achieving more.

As I was pondering that stuff this morning though, I came to the honest conclusion that for me to actually write my book though, it would be extremely difficult to do without having a block of dedicated time when I could work 8-9 hours a day, unimpeded, to figure out an outline, gather all of the information I would want to include, and actually do the writing. I don’t know how long it might actually take – maybe I could get it done in like a month? – at least the outline, research gathering, and first chapter or 2. And maybe I need to set my sights on a smaller goal like that. And maybe the Universe is waiting for me to get something together first, kind of like a venture capitalist expects to see a business plan before they will just throw money at something. That thought just came to me, and the thought of what the book would actually be about, the main purpose, came to me this morning. So maybe I will start working on that – a clear purpose, an outline of things to cover, a title maybe…? I’m not sure if this blog is the best place to put that together, or if a page on Magickmeme is…? I’m thinking the latter, because I can add pages to it.

Ok Universe, I am listening. I am going to start getting at least something going. No more excuses, no more blaming circumstances, and no more doing nothing as I wait for that lottery win lol.

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