Everything isn’t always – well, you know. Today, for the first time in a very long while, I was actually in a bad mood, quite angry actually, and for more than just a few moments. I have been on an epic roll of good vibes, and was a bit taken aback at just how unhappy I got today.
Sure, there were some small things that contributed to it – a perceived lack of appreciation from a daughter, the wife not happy about the mildewy smell left after a carpet soaking tub dribble, etc – but nothing truly worthy of putting me in such a foul mood. And so I find myself sitting here tonight wondering why exactly I was so pissed…? And not just mad, but that lovely sense of general hopelessness and apathy is starting to crop up – the one that has, or had, dogged me for pretty much my entire life, on and off; mostly off over the last few years, thank God.
And honestly, I think some of it has to do with the whole political/ideological situation in this country right now (and actually in other parts of the world too). I watched some Sunday morning news programs this morning at the hotel, and it caused me to re-realize just how completely detached from reality, how wholly hypnotized the Trump supporters (a senator and campaign aid in this case) truly are. It’s depressing, demoralizing, and really a tough thing to reconcile, knowing that there is a large percentage of people out there who will believe anything this man says, evidence be damned. I mean, in a recent poll, most of them (Republicans) think Trump is a better president than Lincoln was. Are you f_ing kidding me..?!
But why is it so depressing? It’s so depressing because I am a bit of an idealist, and I had hoped that we would be entering some “new age” of human awareness by this point – that the populace would have woken up to the fact that we are all in this together, and that politics and the division being sewn are all just stupid BS to take our eyes off the real prize – raising the level of our consciousness. And certainly one could argue that I am engaging in it myself, taking a side by railing against Mr Trump and his supporters. But the curious thing is, and honestly it is a bit disturbing to me, that most everyone who seems to have some level of intelligence and rationality, and does NOT have any latent racism or xenophobia, almost all of those people agree that he is not a good person, should not be president, and that he is just the worst. And I think what is depressing is that there are so many people out there who I think are pretty good people, but support him – and I can only believe that, at some level, even though some of them vehemently deny it, they are either racist or xenophobic, or at the very least afraid of what a country without old white guys in charge might look like – particularly for them.
Now here I go on a bit of a tangent – personally, I had always hoped that there would be some kind of “great awakening,” or spiritual development, or some kind of something that would happen that would allow people of a certain ‘vibratory level’ to rise up, become empowered, something like that, to be able to break the chains of history, false belief, apostasy, ignorance, materialism, etc, to get to that next level of psychic development and achieve another step in the evolution of consciousness. I mean sure, I have gotten very comfortable with life as it is, the whole acceptance thing, and practicing and believing the principles of Buddhism has really helped that. But still…
Still, I long for something more than all of this stupid shit – and by stupid shit, I mean the idiotic political division, the unnecessary poverty and homelessness, the whole “haves and have nots,” the totally unnecessary suffering that so many endure, the materialism – oh God, the fucking MATERIALISM. And I mean in the greatest sense – the philosophical, scientific, social, economic, even spiritual MATERIALISM. It is just complete bullshit. And a lot of people are waking up to that. But as many are waking up it seems, others are becoming more emeshed in it, following one of the greatest prophets of materialism ever seen in the halls of government, mister money himself, Donald J Trump. Yuck.
Now I normally do a pretty good job of keeping things realistic, focusing on what I can do, being extremely grateful for my life and blessings, praying a lot, practicing love and kindness when and wherever possible, and accepting that everyone has to go through what they go through – countries, societies, etc – and I can’t control anyone and anything else, and I don’t know all of the “the plan.” But there was – I guess there still is, must be – a part of me that wished, hoped, even thought for a while, that I could do something more than that, that I could help out in some way, or that I was perhaps even being prepped for something bigger. But then the more I think about it logically, the sillier it sounds honestly. Prepped for what? How could I really help?
Many times over the years, I’ve had the thought/hope/dream/delusion that I would get “discovered” as a writer, that I would write some awesome book that would contribute to the great store of human spiritual wisdom, and I would gain some kind of voice and influence that would allow me to communicate a message of unity and connectedness that maybe no one else had in a long time. Oh, I know how egotistical that sounds, but I have at times thought that I was just the vessel, the whole “God working through me” thing. And certainly, I’ve had some trippy experiences, series of them, that led me to think that was a real possibility. And many, many times, I have tried to do my part to realize those dreams by putting my writing out there (or at least trying) – and as many times as I’ve tried, nothing has ever come of it. So has it all just been delusions of grandeur?
I don’t know. And I guess that’s really the rub of it all – those 3 (or 4 without the conjunction) words : I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going to happen in this country, in the world – if the far-right whackos are going to takeover, or if there will be another civil war. I don’t know if there is any kind of spiritual awakening or psychic boost or evolution awaiting those of us who have been praying for one. I don’t know if I am meant to do anything more than just be a BA at SRP, try to be a good husband, dad, pop-pop, etc. I don’t know if I will ever get “discovered,” or if I would even really want to be. I don’t really know anything. And, in some sense, that is depressing. Because after almost 50 years of being alive, and spending many of those years seeking spiritual wisdom and self awareness, I had really hoped to know, or at least felt like I knew, SOMETHING.
I created this website called “The Order of Unifying Truth.” Came up with a cool structure, pages that talk about different aspects, yadda yadda yadda. Even purchased the domain name. Put a fair amount of work into making it look nice. And for a few months, I was posting to it regularly. I was pretty sure that I was “inspired” to do so. But hardly anyone ever reads the posts, even when I push them on Facebook. It honestly seems like it was a waste of time at this point. So I’m letting that whole thing go, and going back to just personal posts. And I don’t care who reads this stuff anymore, honestly. I’m done with trying the whole ‘writer’ thing. I put my heart and soul into my first real attempt with “The Quest” back in ’90, and now, 29 years later, I’m calling it. Time of death of my hopes for a writing career – December 8th, 11:24pm.
In its death, maybe I will find some peace, some release. Of course, if things go like they have over the last 29 years, it will be reborn again at some later date, miraculously “resurrected,” and I’ll try yet again. But who knows – maybe this time will be it. I just think the world doesn’t really want what I want for it, at least not now, and that is sad – at least to me. But I know I’m not the only person who feels this way, like I used to think, so at least I have grown in that respect. It would just be nice to have something truly remarkable, something truly miraculous, something unquestionably incredible happen to reignite the flickering flame of Spirit within me. The material world can be a real drag sometimes, and even though I’ve gotten much stronger and better able to deal with it, I do still have my limits. I’m definitely up against it now – hopefully not for long.